right now i feel a million miles away from my body.  i can’t help but feel better this way, when i’m drunk. at least now there’s a reason to feel far away, it’s the alcohol. but what about when i’m sober? what’s the reason for separation then? there isn’t one. at least when drunk, the outer body feeling is reasonable and acceptable and there’s a reason. i prefer it this way, inebriated and disconnected. it’s much less frightening and easy to accept.  i want to be like this always. this justifies the mood swings and the thoughts that i have even when i’m happy. the need to hurt myself, the need to slowly and systematically destroy me. at least it can all be written off on the rum or the vodka or whatever the drink of choice is.  i know i’ll regret this post later, but right now, it’s the blatant honesty that’s important. the truth. this is me. and it’s taking far too much concentration to type this with correct grammar and spelling. i don’t want to waste this drunkenness.  this is the only time i like me, when i have a scapegoat for my feelings, the alcohol. so i guess i’m done now.